Depression…WHY?

The loneliness is unbearable, I am awash in a cloud of teary apathy and cannot stop thinking about my cousin who died a few weeks ago, the image of his deceased body will forever stay in my mind.  I miss him so much.  I awoke in a depressive mood today and it makes me wonder just how the fuck I’m going to actually come off these damn SSRI’s and manage to feel happy.  Sometimes I wish it was I and not my cousin who went, he didn’t want to die and I don’t care if I do.  I would never kill myself though unless I had cancer and the doctors wouldn’t prescribe me pain relief because of my opioid dependent status…I reckon they’d be too scared that I’ll enjoy the nice sensation painkillers offer…but when you’re in severe pain you can’t really enjoy painkillers anyway.  I really hope I never get cancer.

I want to see my man right now but I don’t want to have to listen to him say the wrong things to me or have an argument started.  He has basically given me an ultimatum, go to rehab by the end of this year or we break up.  Now, I’m on 2 prescibed drugs with occasional Valium, I do no illegal drugs so I don’t consider myself to have a ‘drug problem’, whereas he thinks I do.  I’m still in shock and am hurting over that ultimatum and don’t know what to think…is it fair to give an ultimatum like that?

I’m so scared of the person I will become if I go to rehab and come out completely ‘clean’, just for my man.  I was a very shy, depressed and quiet boy before being put on antidepressants at 19, and he’s only known me two years…the anti depressed and opiated me.  I fear I’m beginning to resent him and that resentment will become apparent the longer he nags me.  I love him to death but I have a growing sense that we might be on track to growing apart as our disagreements get worse.  It’s been over 2 years now.

Fuck I hate life sometimes but only when I’m depressed like today.  It just seems that once one thing goes wrong, a chain reaction of problems occurs…

Life as a Youngen…

Do you remember those times when you were a child and it seemed the world was so innocent, and life was essentially carefree?  In our innocence we all had plans to have a good career job, a family, own a house and have a good car etc etc.  That usually only happens in really good homes I’ve noticed in my time, the people who weren’t poor!  Well I often ponder what it would have been like if I’d not lived in a poor, abusive household with a very violent father who claimed to be a christian, by the way!  Christian my arse!  Growing up, it just always seemed my friends had better and loving parents, I know appearances can really be deceiving but when you’re 10 years old, how it looks is how it is.

I always wonder if anyone else’s parents taught them about the dangers of smoking, alcohol and other drugs, strangers, sex and the like.  In my case, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to do as long as it kept me out of the house.  At the time I thought it was great but now as a mid 20 something year old I realize the mistakes my parents made with me.  Being bashed daily by my father who also constantly called me a faggot sure did lots for my self esteem, and I sometimes believe that constantly being called that name and being called gay actually caused me to end up gay…who knows?  What do you think?  School was no better, I was the ’school faggot’ who everyone thought was gay as I was a quiet and timid boy due to my home life.  At those times I didn’t even know what sexuality I was, I didn’t think about sex and shit like that.  Not until I was early 11 years old did I discover that new things were happening in my mind, and body!

The teen years were the typical turbulent mix of depression, anger, confusion, raging hormones and the like.  I also had to struggle with my strong attraction to men, which I SO didn’t want, I wanted to be ‘normal’, like everyone else; plus I’m left handed which already placed me into a minority group! Soon I will post a blog specifically as to how I came to discover, fight and eventually accept and love my homosexuality.  Those will be fill in blogs when no major life events happen!

OK, hungriness calls and I’m tired.  McDonalds it is and a large Bic Mac meal is in order!

Anyway,

Love to all who love others…

Do I Really ‘Have a Problem’?

GAY ADULT BLOG, CHILDREN LEAVE.

Well after today’s argument with my man, which a common occurrence lately, once again I’m left simmering and confused.  Is it really normal to argue so damn much due to our disagreeableness on a lot of subjects, especially drugs.  Me being on SSRI antidepressants and also being Opioid Dependent on Suboxone does NOT help our relationship.  He claims they dampen my ability to show affection, yet I feel as sexual as ever plus he never knew me before these meds.  It’s not all my fault with the sex, he acts quite prude and virginal when it comes to certain sex acts, which pisses me off as they are my favorite.

In our argument, I was basically given an ultimatum today…go to rehab and simply come off the meds or we will have no relationship in the future.  I love my boyfriend so damn much it hurts, but to hear his attitude and lack of the absoluteness horrors of withdrawal, fucking hurts inside and tears my heart open.  How can a self proclaimed ‘open-minded’ person be so insensitive?  I know he has friends in his ear constantly telling him to dump my ass and find someone who is better and not drug addicted.  On the other hand, my friends adore him and our love and they accept him, as friends do.

He knows I am working so damn hard to slowly come off both antidepressants and Suboxone but it’s not fast enough for him…I’d love to let him feel just one day in opiate withdrawal, yo gain an understanding of what a cunt withdrawal is.  I already feel much different and more quiet after the antidepressant drop…what the fucks gonna happen to me?

He claims I have a problem, I don’t think I do.  Do you?

Sunday Bloody Sunday ay…Valium Rocks but Addiction Sucks!

POST CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE…so any prude or unaccepting peoples best leave now! This post is very open and honest!

Right now on the mild to cold windy Sunday arvo, the heaviness inside my heart is very disturbing after having dropped my man off home after spending the night with me, and ending with a damn argument, about drugs of course.  He lives half an hour away in a different town so I get a lot of space, thank goodness.  This is good in a way because at the moment I need more space than usual.  As to living together; even though we speak of it a lot, I’m honestly not sure if i can live with him as I love him to bits but he annoys me with so many of his ways, he’s never lived out of home.  Ya know, sometimes I believe he’s lording it over me in a subtle way as I’m the one who suffers from addictions and he’s never even done drugs, besides alcohol and caffeine.  I’m probably paranoid but who the fuck knows when my mind is changing due to the SSRI dose reduction.  Soon it will be “SSRI’s For The Masses” If the drug companies, governments and doctors have their way it will be, but more subtle than that!

Now at 15mg of Lexapro, after being on 20mg for such a long time, makes a big difference; combined with the 2mg reduction of Buprenorphine (Suboxone) did for improving my capacity to be intimate and finally feel sexual.   Admittedly I’m getting damn hornier also from the 5mg Lexapro drop and it is inspiring me to keep reducing, but at the same time the whole shitty feeling in my head and lack of sleep is pissing me off a lot and causing me to be angry unnecessarily.  Thank God I saved my secret stash of prescribed Valium for these emergencies!  I am confused between a boyfriend who is telling me that if I don’t come off Lexapro or Suboxone I will lose him for good, or I remain on them for my sanity and my need to feel always happy again…well at the moment I have not too much of a care in the world as my brains ‘emotion’ section is dampened, according to scientists, allowing me to relax for awhile!  All hail Valium!

Am I bad to feel that way?  Let’s just say right now I feel extremely apathetic but not in a usual bad way!  Diazepam always makes me feel happy, relaxed, and cheerful in very tense times, but meditation for the minor anxieties works a treat.  Once having a severe Xanax (alprazolam) and diazepam addiction 6-7 years ago taught me to be extremely careful when using benzodiazepines ever again, lest I add another addiction to my repertoire of opiates, caffeine, nicotine!  Well thank fuck I beat that benzo one, the only addiction I could successfully rid myself of.  My boyfriend is not too understanding how drug addiction works with it’s trickery and deception, and just what it is like to be in opiate withdrawal.  It would seem the a very small minority can never be clean and happy without synthetic opiates in their system due to the lack of natural endomorphine (endorphin) production the non opioid dependent person has.  We never get it fully back.

MY POPPIES

My beautiful 5 inch tall lettuce like poppies have gone strange and all mature 13 poppies have fallen over as we’ve had very heavy winds.  I hope they’re not dying as some of the original leaves are blackening…I cannot find literature of exact growth stages with pics or if blackening is normal.  I know they fall over but they already did that when they were 1 inch tall…I only water them occasionally because it seems to never rain anymore! I will definitely be posting a pic of these in my next post

I’ve gotten all that bad crap off my mind so now I can lie down and enjoy some Simpsons and a huge cup of tea!  Thanks if you read this too, comment my post and I will read your blogs also and comment.  I’m new to this and I love it!

AS A LAST NOTE

Learn from me, constant pill or any drug use use will seduce you into living your life for it and all a person gets in return is hell in body and mental form.  NOT worth it.  I have learnt the error of my previous choices as you’ll find…

An Introduction

As I sit here on this cold Wednesday morning in front of the PC as I usually do upon waking, it was decided that a blog must be begun, so I can have a place to vent and document the happenings in my life.  There are too many thoughts that continuously swirl around inside my head and keeping me in a constant state of confused apathy.  Admittedly I haven’t had a clear head for 10 years now, due to being placed on the very addictive SSRI antidepressant medications.  I’ll give a comprehensive post on my decade-long experience with antidepressants and other drugs of dependence in an upcoming blog.  As to whether anyone will read this blog or not I really don’t know, but I will leave it public anyway as I feel anonymous enough to discuss the torrid intimate occurrences of my life!  If you are reading this right now, I say thank you for the time you took to read this far!

Having just taken 12mg of Suboxone (buprenorphine/naloxone for my 5 year opioid dependence) I am sitting here in the not even half-assed ‘glow’ this drug provides, although it keeps me from opiate withdrawal.  True this drug did save my life and has kept me clean of illicit and prescription opiates for 2.5 years now, an awesome feat in my eyes.  I’m also on a tapering dose of the supposed SSRI Lexapro (escitalopram), for supposed depression but I haven’t been depressed in years, I’m just physically dependent on these tablets and I feel so wrong when I try to come off these pills.  What damage have they done?  More on that in the upcoming ‘drugs’ post.  Even though I have quit illegal drugs for over 2 years I still don’t consider myself truly clean as I feel so very trapped by the addictive prescription drugs the doctors put me on to stop the uncontrollable spiral of drug use I had fallen into .  In my heart I know I will always be opiate dependent.  For many years I’ve only felt happy with some kind of opioid in my system, allowing me to feel ‘normal* *normal=not in withdrawal misery for the opiate dependent person.

Besides that here’s the basics about me, if you will:  I’m a 27 year old guy, I’m proudly gay and my lover of 2 years is very anti drugs…which in turn calls for a lot of arguments (I shall document these, so look forward to them!).  Physically I’m quite tall with short dark brown hair and dark brown eyes.  I am Australian and have been here my whole life thus far.  My interests vary widely and include: my lover, gardening, antique tobacco tins, writing songs and poetry, driving, reading tarot, spirituality, chemistry and pharmacology, sex, natural drugs, hiking, photography, going to heavy metal gigs, mosh pits, drinking lots of strong tea, admiring flowers…especially poppies and yeah I think that’s enough interests for now!  My favorite bands are Slayer and Marilyn Manson, the latter whom I’ve seen live twice now.  I do listen to a massive range of music but don’t want to bore naming them all!

My lover nags me to death about drugs and thinks I don’t understand where he is coming from with his concerns.  I love him to bits although it’s frustrating that he is so over-dramatic and exaggerates the bad qualities of things.  I believe the fact that it is taking me a long time to reduce my dosages is affecting him, but it’s the only way I can reduce it.  I guess we’ll really see if love will stand the test of time!

This blog from time to time may include swearing and other things that may cause a person to be offended for whatever reason.  It is my hope however that the reader always keeps an open mind!  I will always pre warn of sexual or graphic content.

Well it’s off to the poppy garden I go to check on my adorable tiny plants…in 2.5 months they shall hopefully bloom…

Ceph